Well, hello again.

It’s finally May and the year is almost half way over. Progress has been made in certain aspects of my life, and is halted in other areas of concern. I’ve been applying for jobs, interviewing for those, going to appointments, getting new glasses, soaking up the sunshine, reading books, taking pictures, and spending time with my little family. This brain never stops going and it's never on one track. 

I’ve always found that the chlorophyll for my plant is social interaction. I’ve always found it easy and fulfilling to connect with people who may typically not connect to others as well. I’ve been spending my time lately trying to figure out how to get back to that as an adult, now cut off from mandatory activities which have supplied me with friends my entire life. Sometimes there is a part of me that misses going to school, writing handwritten essays, spending time learning about something on a daily basis, passing notes back and forth with friends in class about what our plans were for the weekend, and how we could coordinate them to merge. The bigger part of me does not miss anything about school, and that part of me is still actively trying to figure out how to make myself happy with my life and be able to help with bills at the same time. 

What does one do when their primary source of happiness comes from making others happy? They find a career that allows this, of course. The problem is though, these are hard to come across. The more time you spend looking for a job to survive, the more you realize it’s all designed to make you fail anyways. Yet still, you persist, because you want those sweet treats every once and a while, and you don't want to depend on anyone else for that. Another reason to put on the big girl pants: I don’t  want to always be worried about going to the doctor, because if I do, then I’ll pay for it for the next year or so. It’s ridiculous how hard it is to get medicine and care in this country. I dream of relocating to a place that focuses on these things, and the value of life itself. 

Life isn’t so bad though. I am enormously in love, for real, for the first time. It truly does feel completely different when you find the one you’re supposed to be with. Not so much a love at first sight kind of thing, but when I first pulled into Jackson’s driveway back in September and saw him in person? I knew I was home. I never fail to dwell on how lucky I am to have found him and how violently he turned my life around for the better. I know I will spend the rest of my life with him by my side, no matter what that looks like. Knowing this gives me enormous ambitions, because I know that our little team can make anything happen if we both put our minds to it. 

I have been keeping on the track of positive thinking, even after almost half a year of let downs. I’ve always heard you may get 100 no’s before you get that one yes, but that one is all I need. I continue to remind myself that I am meant to do this, and everything happens for a reason, when it needs to happen.. 

Something random that I have been missing lately is developing my own film. During my time at UCO, I was lucky enough to be able to have access to the darkroom on campus basically any time I wanted. I was working part-time at the studio/darkroom in the Mass Communications building, and a full time Photo Arts major, so most of my time at that school was spent in that building. They provided us access to materials, chemicals, wash stations, light boards, dark rooms, drying racks, gear closets, enlargers, scanners, and anything else one might need for developing 35mm. Now, I know I can do this all at home with a dark bag and the right chemicals, but there was something so serene about working in the darkroom and watching your art materialize in front of you like magic. When the shot is right, it’s like copying a vivid dream you had detail for detail and watching it become real right in front of you. The process of a photo, from the idea to the print, is a sequence which allows an individual to express themselves in every aspect, in total control. Taking film pictures, dropping them off at a photo processing store, and then getting back scans is a reward in itself, but when the photographer has the control of every aspect of how that photo is developed, there is no limit to the personalization that can be done. 

Realistically though I probably will be purchasing a dark bag in the near future, a certain photo store in Tulsa (not Apertures, I love them <3) has been getting on my nerves lately with bad quality scans and increasing cost of processing, so I do think it’s time to take those matters into my own hands. Unfortunately though, these materials cost money. I also have desperately been needing a high quality zoom lens for my Nikon, which is just about as much as the camera itself was 6 years ago. I am proud of myself for making do with what I’ve had, its been that long since I’ve upgraded my main gear of any kind, and I do still continue to see myself growing with my camera. The Nikon D850 is the camera of all cameras and I will die on that hill. 

There have also been (strong) parts of me whispering the Nikon Z9’s name in my ear for about a year now, but starting over completely lens wise is a jump that is slightly too scary (and expensive) for me to make realistically any time soon. The DSLR to Mirrorless pipeline is interesting because I’ve found it doesn’t always improve the quality of a photographer's work to me. We know by now that it’s about the person and the approach, not the gear, but I can admit that I’ve seen people I’m personally a fan of switch over to a mirrorless set up and something about the character of their work is lost to me. I will always be a fan of Nikon’s colors and creaminess (if you get it, you get it) but something about the mirrorless movement specifically just does not speak to me. I’m sure I’ll eat these words in a few years, it seems that is the only direction we’re headed when it comes to professional cameras for photographers. 

Regardless of equipment, I just want to take pictures. I’ve been DYING to do shoots with some cool cars or bikes, I would really love to try some rollers again properly. I know I didn’t spend $50 on that lineman harness and ropes for nothing. Fortunately for me, my baby has a bike. Look out for something like that soon…

All in all things really are good for me at this point,I have the love of my life,  my friends are amazing, I know what I love to do, and everything will work out. If you’ve read this far in to the blog, I appreciate you reading into my endless stream of consciousness, or really just watching me ramble for a little bit. Either way, I appreciate you, so if you see this and you’ve been wanting to do a shoot, send me an email including the secret word “watermelon” for a 20% discount on whatever kind of shoot you’re thinking before the end of May! I honestly adore taking photos, and you booking, liking the posts, spreading the word, all of this allows me to keep doing what I love. It’s not lost on me how lucky I am to be able to do this, and I thank you for following me this far. Here’s to whatever comes next?