just take off...
Sometimes it gets to the point where you need to escape, sometimes you need to pack up the back of your car and leave. Find the things that made you feel like yourself when you were a kid again, re-learn how to laugh from your belly until it hurts. Pull over to the lookouts and forget your phone in the car, only bring the 35mm point and shoot because you'll never be in this place again at this time, so you need to remember as much as you can. Film slows you down, makes you see the beauty in every situation you find yourself in- every shot is an intentional choice that creates a mystery, in which you have to be patient before it's reveal.
For a while I attempted to monetize photography fully, I went to college after graduating high school (because that's what you do) with nothing but love for photos. Attempting to grasp the college experience in the midst of COVID was another story, but it did not go well! Eventually, I realized that I didn't need a degree to do the type of photography that I was passionate about and I came back to Tulsa, attempting to be a full time freelance photographer.
I was quickly humbled by that experience, so I continued to do my freelance work on the side while I worked full time at the hospital in an administrative position, tucked away in an office behind the parking garage. Slowly, over time, the world got harsher and the bills got higher, meaning I had to put more of my energy into working and making ends meet than having fun and enjoying the things I was creating- which is half of the reason I fell in love with photos in the first place. Five years after that I rarely took any pictures anymore. Life was about surviving and getting through each day, getting to the next pay day and trying to remember to eat dinner every night. I grew used to coldness and mistook it for love. The joy in life was gone for me, and light left my eyes for a while. It seemed I could only focus on the bad things that were happening. No matter what good I did or how hard I tried, I would just be shoved back down into that hole. So I decided to stay there, and to survive. I stayed there for a while, lost sight of who I even was.
Then I met Jackson, who is made of light. Who also loves photos for the same reasons I did. Who reminded me of being a kid again, in the best way, brought that light back into my eyes and showed me how to smile again like I would when I was five and the world wasn't scary yet. He was the one who would bring either his Kodak point and shoot or his Canon FTb everywhere with us, documenting all of our adventures and capturing some of my fondest memories with him foundationally. The feeling I got when we got those scans back from the first roll we shot together reminded me of the entire point of this. I will forever be grateful to him for bringing out those childhood dreams in me again, and making me fall right back in love with it.
The day I met Jackson my life improved tremendously and that has remained, when he walked into my life he changed it. He makes me see things like I do when I'm shooting film. Together, we have seven cameras which we pass back and forth. We never leave the house without a camera, and the results thereafter have made me reconnect with everything I initially fell in love with about photography.
Since then, we have racked up a few different film cameras and tried a countless number of film stocks. Soon I hope to get back in the darkroom so I can have full control over the process again, making the entire thing all the more satisfying as a creator and an artist. I have focused mainly on film more recently, but I have also had the privilege of shooting some fun sessions over the holiday season professionally on my DSLR (yes, they still exist). It warms my soul there are still people who want me to take their photo after losing my spark for so long. The photos I have taken recently have been some of my best, and I am so excited to be back on that upward trend with my passions and life in general.
Jackson and I also started a film dump account on Instagram, for the both of us to share some of our film scans- you can find that @ellisonphoto !
The Grand Road Trip
At the end of November, Jackson and I packed up my mom's Mazda (the Honda needed some TLC at the time, thank you mom) full of gear and set off for Colorado with two nights booked in a cabin in the Springs and week off for the holidays. With no plans besides figure it out as we go, we had the best week of our lives. Ended up in taking self timer photos with the camera propped on the sunroof in Monument Valley, at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, we took a smoke break in the parking lot at Petrified Forest, sang along to the radio through the Arizona buttes and the Colorado Rockies, shooting pictures through tunnels in the mountains, loving the whole way. The gallery at the top of the page showcases some of these highlights. I'll hold these photos close to me as long as I live, I'll never forget our first time running away together.
